I recently had the opportunity to take another ancestral healing and trauma-sensitive workshop with the wonderful Robin Appel Maida of Always Aum Studio in NY. The yoga studio where I teach, Shine Yoga, hosted the event, and my takeaways were different this go round from the insight I had at the workshop in May.

Many people have trauma in their lives.

If I had to name the major sources of trauma in my own life, it would be four things:

  • My father’s PTSD when I was a very young girl (lots of screaming out in the night and explosive temper outbursts)
  • My late husband’s head-on collision with a loaded dump truck, resulting in a two-month hospital stay, extensive rehab, and the loss of our business
  • My husband and father-in-law’s deaths at sea and the disappearance of my husband’s body under the waves of the stormy Atlantic
  • The decision of my former fiance to stay in a city where he was supposed to have been for a school year. Details aren’t to be shared here, but through years of anger and finally, raw and honest dialogue, I feel I have healed.
  • The person with whom I prayed numerous times, worshiped with… who decided I was just another cast off. I suppose he was lonely this summer when he texted something to me that his girlfriend would be upset over. It bordered on harassment. I was a good friend to him, but the almost seemingly intentional mistreatment hurts.

 

Just stating facts–and maybe a few opinions– there.

During the recent workshop, we were instructed to start walking around the studio space, as in just wandering wherever and in whichever way one wanted to go. After sitting on a bolster in a circle for a while, I felt FREE doing this!

I roamed the room, swerving in and out between other people.

Then we were instructed to walk beside someone… as in keeping in step with them.

As a naturally fast walker, I felt confined. I was forced to slow down and walk along side someone who did not walk as fast as me, and I couldn’t just zoom around the room.

Finally, we got the green light to go on our own again, and off I went! In and out, around and around… FREE!

And then it was back to being in step with another person.

When we regrouped back in our circle, the consensus was that most people enjoyed and felt safe walking alongside another.

Not me.

I felt a bit trapped. Confined. Stuck. I LOVED the free-range roaming.

I’ve been reflecting on this here and there since that workshop, asking myself, “Why the feeling of being FREE?”

If I had answers, I’d list them here, but for now, I am still reflecting.

I am wired for companionship and partnership but as of now, I remain in a 4BR house with a large tabby cat… NOT how I pictured my life at this stage.

I’m good. I’m good.

Pardon me while I shed a few tears and continue to ponder why I preferred walking alone that night.

The answer will come.

 

Amy Walton is a certified Christian life coach and grief coach, speaker, author, and yoga instructor (with a certification in trauma sensitive yoga) who still hopes and prays for a bright future for herself and the people she serves. Connect with her at amywaltoncoaching@gmail.com.