A broken fish sculpture with an intact heart
I recently broke a sweet pastel painted fish one of my sons made years ago.
I’ve always been careful when I dust because I have so many little works of art sitting around, created by noted artists and by my sons.
As I picked up the pieces of this fish that my son lovingly fashioned decades ago, I decided it wasn’t worth putting back together, but I did keep the little heart because it did not break. For me, it was a reminder to protect my heart in times of brokenness.
Let’s be honest: Relationships take work. One of the saddest and most heart-breaking things ever–and I speak, sadly, from years of experience here– is when a relationship begins as something beautiful and true friendship and love grow from it; but due to choices one or both people make, it becomes damaged. And when one or both can’t come up with anything to move the needle forward, what was once such deep love turns into nightly screaming matches.
And that’s when one person breaks, and through tears and a broken heart, decides to exit the dance floor for a time out, what can be assumed is the final time out where the hope is that both people take time to reflect on the good, the not so good, and how each has contributed to both. It’s important, too, that we ask ourselves, “What do I want from this?”
If I wanted to, I could crack myself open right now and be VERY open about my own life, but I won’t. Not sure what purpose that would serve except for therapy for myself, and I have a journal for that (and a darn good therapist!).
I’ll say this:
If a relationship is THAT important to you, you will put in the work to get it right. It won’t be perfect, because nothing is, but it CAN be something beautiful. In Japan, broken objects are often repaired in gold. The cracks are still there, but the items return to the original shape, but with beautiful gold woven throughout, holding the piece together.
Sometimes I think a relationship needs to just shatter, preserving the most precious parts, and building a new relationship.
Personally speaking, while I’ve had “time outs” of various durations in some relationships, I’ve never had a REAL time out, those periods when you know it’s a “Let’s really repair this,” and I personally feel most of those periods have been me doing the reflecting alone.
As Mel Robbins says, “If they wanted to, they would.”
What might a “time out” look like?
- Not dating other people or getting together with anyone even an iota attractive to you. Do that, and you may as well just slam the door on the relationship. I’d walk away in a heartbeat if that were done to me.
- Each person asks themselves questions such as, “What has So and So given me in our months or years together that have made me a better person?” “Where could I have given more?” “Do I really want to live my life without this person?” “How can I put more WE into this relationship, acknowledging that there are two people here– people with dignity, feelings, and love–and there has to be compromise and give and take?” “Am I willing to put the time into this, finally, at last, and not just with lip service?”
- Working on ourselves. We are are biggest investments. During a time out, individuals should work on themselves in whatever areas of their lives they feel need attention.
- If one breaks the silence to check in occasionally via text, acknowledge your loved one’s words, and at least provide some reassurance that you are okay and that you share their feelings… unless you don’t. Nothing hurts more than to tell someone your love them, miss them, and hope they, too, are using this space for reflection, only to have them tell you they love you, too, with no mention of missing or reflecting. Perhaps they meant it but didn’t say it. Always give the benefit of the doubt unless and until proven otherwise.
- Agree on a time to get together in person after a designated time period, and discuss those questions I listed in #2.
We are all flawed people. We hopefully try our best in life and in our relationships, but we sometimes fail miserably. I’ll be the first to admit my own mistakes, but I am one person. So are you.
Take that time out if you need it to recalibrate, and allow the other person to do their own recalibrating–again, if it’s important to them.
Relationships should not be that difficult. They take work. They take into account the needs and wants of both people and not just one. Important decisions are made TOGETHER. I still remember all these years later how my late husband and I worked as partners. We respected each other’s independence, but our marriage was the most important thing in our lives, and everything flowed from that.
I won’t settle for less, and I trust that anyone who really loves me won’t either.
Take all the time you need, with a fluid deadline, to get it right.
Two WHOLE people with mutual goals and a vision for a future together are a beautiful thing.
Amy Walton is a Christian author and blogger, yoga and breath work instructor, and a widow. She offers no further words on this post other than what is written here, Connect with her at amywaltoncoaching@gmail.com.
