Confession: I have never watched the popular TV series “This Is Us,” which ran for nearly six years. Many of my friends never missed an episode, but me?
Nope. Never watched it.
I was thinking about that phrase yesterday–this is us–as my visiting son and I exited a far too crowded (for our tastes) artisan venue. He told me he’d spotted a work of art and sent a photo of it to his significant other, as they are looking for some additional pieces for their home. He added that it is important to them to make most decisions jointly.
Ouch. My heart.
My life is not for the world to view, but sometimes we have to get the angst and thoughts out of us, and writing is healing for me.
My husband and I were married for nearly nine years. He was lost to the sea one week before our ninth wedding anniversary. I sugarcoated that loss in the early years for various reasons, but truthfully, that loss rattled me more than I can express.
Make love to your husband one night. Say goodbye to him in the early morning as he prepares to embark on a fishing trip.
Never see him again. A widow and two fatherless boys left behind.
Suddenly, I was the sole decision maker. No more Russ and Amy joint decisions. Even when Russ would want to buy some sporty car that was really outside our budget and that I usually opposed, we’d discuss it. I was never blindsided in my marriage.
In these past years, I’ve thought alot about what it means to operate as “us.” I think about how my dad didn’t always include my sweet mother in biggish decisions, like the time he allowed his sister to help him redecorate part of our home. My mama was devastated.
I think about my late husband’s siblings and their spouses–all long marriages– who seem to be equal partners in decision making without sacrificing their independence as individuals. I think about a beloved relative–from whom I am sadly estranged over a petty but hurt incident– that has a solid and nearly 50-year marriage, and it’s always been clear to me that they are partners in everything while still being individuals.
Going forward in my life, however that plays out, I want a huge dose of US in my relationship. I would never try to control someone, and I would hit the road running if someone tried to control me, but if two people want to be a couple, in a partnership, or in a marriage, there must be… yes…
US.
If you are a couple, you don’t call your significant other to tell them about the car you just bought. You don’t say things like, “I think I want to move farther south and do ministry work,” but don’t seek the other person’s input.
I think some of the issues couples have can easily be resolved when decisions that affect them are discussed by them. Insecurities about other men or women fall by the wayside. Nightly screaming by one and no mention of moving forward by the other (except in very abstract comments) go away. A true and concrete path forward–if they both want it–finally emerges.
And if one or both don’t want that path, they have to be mature and kind enough to say it to the other’s face.
The bottom line is relationships take work, and in my personal opinion, they need A LOT of US.
Please take that to heart if you are seeking more US.
I hope before I reach the end of my earthly life, I can say again, “This is us…” and smile and sleep peacefully.
Amy Walton lives with a 12-year-old cat for whom she is the lone decision maker. There is no “us,” nor should their be, although he’s a huge comfort during a bout of sobbing. Connect with her at amywaltoncoaching@gmail.com.
