Yours Truly on the Appalachian Trail
Photo Credit: My Former Fiance
Another restless night.
This one is largely due to having to get up VERY early to speak and lead a Holy Yoga session at a local women’s gathering.
Lord, help me lead with joy and not space out in my continuing depleted state.
25 years of friendship, dating, being a couple, engaged, not engaged, broken up, limping along… over.
The friendship isn’t over. That will take some time.
We used to be so in love.
The limping along in a long-distance relationship. His time commitment to his research and his writing. Choices we both made that deeply hurt the other and added to the breakdown. Our desire for a sense of home until he walked the path of boiling his life down to a nice, but very minimal existence.
All I wanted at one time was for us to be together, having our individual spaces to create in our home. Making dinner together, sipping on a glass of wine and listening to vinyls spinning on the turntable. Building a life together. Having our grandchildren visit.
Call me a romantic. I am.
And now that chapter is closed. It’s been closing for a while, and shame on us both.
I told my son a couple days ago that we needed a clean break from the mess we created, and he said I nailed it.
In my journal this morning, I wrote the following:
I used to be jolted awake because I didn’t know what the future held. Now I’m jolted awake because I know what the future holds.
Not sure what my path will be. Too tired to think.
He never wanted me to have any injections, because he considers me beautiful.
Yeah, well, crying, not sleeping well, and not eating well will age you.
Can you guess where my engagement ring money may go when I sell it?
Hello, filler.
The ring has been in my jewelry box for years. I thought we might sell it at one point and buy a commitment ring.
Now the commitment we had or thought we may want again is going to slowly transform into friendship.
And yet, we will go forward as friends who loved each other but really screwed up a consistently beautiful thing we had years ago. There were many more good times in the “limping,” but we both became drained from distance, not doing life together (which I would often comment on), and arguing.
Getting up and crawling toward a loving friendship…
Amy Walton is a yoga teacher, consultant/trainer, and writer. She loves passionately and grieves deeply. Connect with her at amywaltoncoaching@gmail.com